A Raging Case of Post-Colonial Guilt With A Side of Socialism
Friday, October 5, 2012 at 2:03PM This following sentence is only going to make sense if you are a Rolls Royce douchebag or you live in Asia.
I'm a stay-at-home parent and I hired a nanny.
I know. I know. I know. It sounds ridiculous. And truth be told, I'm kind of embarrassed about the whole thing. Honestly, who do I think I am, some sort of Rolls Royce douchebag?
If you're new around these parts (Hi Deanna's readers!!), I live in Indonesia, in Jakarta to be precise. And here, nannies are ubiquitous. On Saturdays and Sundays, they fill up malls and restaurants, wearing cheap polyester uniforms, a salandang slung over their shoulder. They push strollers, carry sleeping babies, lug bags full of infant accoutrements, and chase children around, forcing them to have just one more bite of food.
Seemingly everyone has a nanny. Or three. Many families have one nanny per child. It's an expectation: in our first weeks here, small-talk would almost always contain an inquiry into our personal staffing situation: "have you found a nanny yet?" To not employ one would be unthinkable, irresponsible, cheap. Just as after school activities, enriching kindermusik classes, and play dates are markers of "good parenting" in North America, in Jakarta so is employing a nanny to wash, dress, and feed your child.
I wavered on the nanny question. Initially I was gung-ho about the idea. Yoga! Work! Writing! Finished projects! Productivity! The ability to cook a meal or wash a sink of dishes without my child totally losing her shit at the fact that I was not paying 100 percent attention to her 100 percent of the time! Yes! Sign me up! Let's live here forever!
And then the sight of a nanny wiping the ass of an overweight 6 year-old forced me to change my tune.
I questioned the morality of descending on another person's country, and paying the locals to do the grunt work that I don't want to do. A lot of expats, and rich Indonesians alike, develop a world view wherein they imagine that their money and objects and privilege of birth owes them respect, deference, and the right to never have to scrub a toilet. An accident of birth gave me white skin, money, and privilege, but there's nothing about me that makes me more worthy of this privilege. (I have a lot of post-colonial guilt, you see).
I worried about my child becoming spoiled, and entitled. I worried about her own sense of superiority and privilege. I fretted about her ordering someone to, "Get me a glass of water! Carry my backpack!" and thinking that this is the way the world works, that it is her birthright to dole out orders, and have her every whim catered for.
I though about my own self becoming spoiled and entitled, comfortable with someone doing all of my own dirty work. I imagined myself totally unable to cope when we eventually one day move back to a place where labour is scarce and wages unpayabale. And even more than that, I worried that I'd develop an inflated sense of value, closing my heart to the humanity of the people who scrub my toilet or drive me to the grocery store.
But I also want my girl to have a relationship to Indonesian culture. I wanted her to learn to speak Basha Indonesia. I wanted her to know and love real people who are from here. A nanny is the fastest ticket to all of these aspirations.
I want to work. Not full time, but I do want some measure of professional achievement, even if my goals are modest. I want to contribute to this family in some monetary fashion, even if in just in a nominal way. I want to take pictures and practice yoga. I want to fill up the parts of myself that were by my time in Japan.
All of this would be impossible, given the hours my husband works, without child care.
I tell myself that we live here, a million miles from family, without any close friends, or even acquaintances whom we've known for more than two months. We're faced with the stress of moving, cultural adjustment, and lack of community. Having a helper around would be a brace that carries the extra stress.
I tell myself that I'd be a good employer. I'd take care of my staff, encourage their development, raise their skill level, pay them well, and in some small way, contribute to a greater good.
But realistically most of this is bullshit. The bottom line is that I can afford to pay for a nanny, and in so doing, improve my quality of life.
Anyway, I agonised about this, I worried about it, and to be honest, I'm still feeling quite guilty. But I hired someone. A lovely girl, who colours with my kid, makes her paper cranes, and tells me about Indonesian folklore.
I think this is the right thing, but, Internet, I'm still plagued with post-colonial guilt. So excuse me while I work this out in public.
Reader Comments (8)
I completely understand and would probably feel very similar to you. You will probably go back and forth on this one in your mind for a while yet. But I hope that overall your experience will be a happy one and good for your children, too.
Luckily, having a nanny or even an occasional babysitter/childminder is so expensive in Switzerland that I don't have to worry about inequality. (In fact, there are times when I think I might make more money if I changed my career and became a childminder).
Yea, Sandra, it's a funny thing, and I probably will go back and forth on it for a while yet. I dunno. I think it's the right decision, I mean, if I were back in my home country, I'd be working full time, probably, and my child would spend even more time in child care and would not have the same richness of experience. Still, I do really feel uncomfortable with the questions of privilege and inequity. I mean, really.
At any rate, I hear you on the cost of Swiss child care. Ouch. Actually, I'm pretty sure that everything in Switzerland is bank-breakingly expensive.
I admire your honesty. If we were in Indonesia I would be doing exactly what you did. In Singapore, the only option is live in help and I cannot bring myself to have someone else with us twenty four seven. The result is that I have almost no free time. We have had two date nights nice we moved here over two years ago. There is no easy option when you are an expat away from family support. The good things is that you can change your mind at any time. If it stops feeling like the right thing you can do something else. Good luck with the free time!
Ps for some reason I cannot ever leave my blog address on your page. Apparently my .sg is a bit scary!
I have a helper in Tokyo who helps keep the house clean a half day a week and baby sits when we need it. A lovely lady from the Philippines. Sure it isn't as cheap as helpers in Hong Kong or other places but it is still worth every penny. I really feel for these imported workers though - most of them leave their husbands and children and send back the money to support them.
It is not about privilege or colonialism, it is pure common sense when you are living away from your normal family structure. Just because you have more money than your helper, still doesn't mean that you are oppressing or exploiting her - you are giving her a job, one she is happy to do for a fair (I assume) local wage. Sure these are jobs that you could do yourself and I am sure you have done your fair share of housework.
But hiring somebody is nothing to feel guilty about. It isn't possible to be super woman, super mum and super blogger all the time. Even Wonder Woman had a support network back on the island.
Hello there. Long time rader, first time caller.
I'm a nanny here in the states and I wanted to chime in with a few thoughts and some advise (most of which I bet you are already doing, but I'm always shocked by how little people understand from the perspective of the "help" and how poorly I am sometimes treated).
Nannies are a question ocolonization, oppression and most specifically the commodification of love and care. (in the US we tend to do this more with our elderly than our children, but it is something done everywhere). It is a certainly different thing to be an asian nanny, usually far from your own family doing what must be done accompanied by a large community of nannies but not your own kids. I am a well paid American citizen with my own family and my own life to go home to, but I have been doing this for nearly 10 years and I have some insight into what it is like to be paid to be in someone's family.
You child is, from what I gather here, amazing and adorable and one of a kind. Be open to the reality that Nannies love our charges. She will fall in love with your girl and they will have a really special relationship. You should respect that. You should be comfortable with the reality that as soon as this woman becomes part of your family she will be there for a long time. I will love all of my kids forever. My oldest just left to teach for a year in Equador before college and it is amazing to watch her grow. Please do your very best to let your nanny and daughter live out their relationship through the years. Maybe it will end early, maybe it will last forever. Give them space to be close too. This has nothing to do with her relationship to you. A nanny is not a mother and there is no shortage of love in a person to go around.
Remember that your nanny is a person with a real life. Respect her time. Respect how hard it is for you, who no one supervises and loves your daughter more than anyone could, to scrub a toilet while watching your child. Don't expect her to surmount this kind of insane task. Ask about her life. Try to make her as comfortable as possible in your home. Being able to make herself some dinner while eating with your daughter is really important to feeling like a human and not like a lamp.
I think that having more wonderful woman to learn from and be loved by is only good for your daughter. Nannies can be really important parts of a family, especially when Grandmother's and Aunts and other caretaker/teacher/role models are so far away. You are teaching her the culture around her and that is great.
One day you'll try to explain race, colonialism and global market capitalism to her, but for now she is watching for cues about how we treat people who are different from us. Teach her that even in all the mess of the politics of labor, we should always treat people like whole individuals, that we should be open to abundant love and treat everyone with dignity, and that that goes a long way in working against those global ills.
with so much adoration, waiting with bated breath for your next parenting project entry,
Victoria
DO NOT feel guilty! You deserve a break too and a chance to explore such a magnificent country solo if you choose to. It is good for your sweet girl to be with someone other than you...you know it's true!
IF I could afford to have a nanny AND be home...that would be the ideal situation. Time to spend one on one exclusively instead of frantically rushing to get housework, laundry, cooking etc done. Time to run errands and not have to drag my toddler around when I know she really doesn't want to be there. {perhaps the screaming and crying is a clue>}
I am jealous. Did I help at alll???
Don't feel guilty, at all. You are providing someone with gainful employment and Miss S will definitely pick up the language much faster. You set the rules.... So no ass-wiping if you say so! I had to tell ayi not to pick up things for J when he pointed and grunted, so he learned to bend over to pick it up himself. A good nanny will also follow your lead, so should follow your hippy-b-s parenting methods and all. :-) cant't wait to meet her sometime!
Susan, thanks so much! Yes! It totally helps. I don't know, sometimes one just needs affirmation for one's choices. I feel conflicted, still, but perhaps less so after getting so much feedback.
Still, I do have guilt feelings, especially when my nanny and I talk about social issues, income disparity, and stuff. And when she sees my buy a week of groceries that cost about as much as many people earn in a month, well, I feel super embarrassed at my extravagance.
Emily, also, big thank you for your comment. You're right, and you've got so much more experience with this than I do. Providing gainful, fair, non-exploitative employment does have a social good, I think.