Is Attachment Parenting Even Possible With Number Two?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011 at 8:26PM So, Internet, once again I look to you for validation and the answers to my parenting queries. This time it's about Attachment Parenting.
I'm wondering, is the AP approach even possible for the second kid. (PLEASE NOTE I AM TALKING ABOUT THE HYPOTHETICAL SECOND KID. NOT THE ACTUAL GESTATING SECOND KID BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT SCARES MORE THAN VAMPIRES AND MURDERY BOB CATS, ITS THE IDEA OF A SECOND KID.)
After roughly 14 months of attachment parenting and 14 months of not sleeping, I kind of hate Dr. Sears. A few months ago, I kinda quit the whole AP club. It's a work in progress. I'm slowly tapering. But my hope is to be free and clear, librearted from the AP fold very soon.
Ages ago, when Stella was just a wee pup, I read Erica Jong's piece in the WSJ trumpeting the demerits of the AP way. I thought, this Jong person, what the hell does she know? She only had one kid! She's obviously just a selfish jerk! Well, turns out, surprise surprise, upon rereading her piece 18 months into this whole parenting gig, I'm inclined to agree with many of her arguments.
Jong's overarching thesis is that Attachment Parenting harms women. While don't necessarily buy into the political side of her argument - Jong argues that attachment parenting is anti-feminist and a potential tool of the political right - she does make a few substantive points. Mainly that attachment parenting and the broader issue of materphilia sideline women and elevate their progeny to the status of unknowing little dictators, who reign over every aspect of their mothers' lives, curtailing their freedoms and usurping their identity.
I don't know WHAT sort of Machiavellian plan the Dr. Sears and his AP army have up their collective sleeve, or why they like to remind new and fragile parents, ever so gently of course, about the dangers of crying and the risk of giving your baby a broken brain. But I do know that I kind of want to punch them in the face. Figuratively of course.
Let me explain. Stella cried a lot. She had colic, so that was a solid 4 hours of crying right there. And so of course I go from OMG my baby has colic to OMG SHE IS GOING TO HAVE A CARDIAC ARRHYTHMIA AND ITS MY FAULT BECAUSE SO MUCH CRYING via The Baby Book and Attachment Parenting International. So, anyway, my acute crying phobia lead me to pick up my kid the moment she peeped. To respond to her before she even had a second to whimper. To turn off the stove, stop dinner, and cuddle on demand.
Now that was all fine and dandy, until she expected that kind of response time in the middle of the night. Every hour. Or at all times of the day. Even though she's almost a year and a half. Remember how she won't play by herself? I probably blame Dr. Sears for that as well.
Which brings me back to the very hypothetical second child. If I were to have a second child, and if I were to respond to said second child as quickly as I do (and did) to Stella, I would end up in some kind of crazy space-time-continuum wormhole. Because it would be impossible. Having a second kid necessitates a certain degree of disregarded unattended wah wahs. Or so I assume. If you have simultaneous criers, one of them is going to be ignored. It's pretty much science.
So, jerks like Dr. Sears et. all who make me feel like a villainous rogue for expecting my kid to get a reasonable amount of sleep or leaving my kid to cry for five minutes while I do the dishes can just shut their front covers because whateverthelll, you have no idea.
I'm continuing to work through the process of becoming an ex-attachment parent. I'm in Attachment Parenting recovery. And I'm wondering, Internetland, do you attachment parent? Do you have a second child? Are you crushed buy the burdens of AP anti-feminism? Or are you happy and self secure in your hippie fairy dust parenting practices?
Reader Comments (26)
Now, with three, I'm pretty lax about the whole crying thing. I wouldn't call myself totally AP -- it's all about moderation. And I'll tell you what I've noticed -- when my kids get more sleep at night, they 'cry' less during the day. Our relationship is better after we've all had sleep. (I know that sleep isn't the only AP issue, but I do think it's the one that people talk about the most)
I don't know if this really answered any question or added to the discussion. I feel like I've basically just rambled a bit. I've been reading your blog for a while, and I don't know if I've ever commented!
As for the other aspects of AP - babywearing, breastfeeding, birth bonding etc - I think they're totally overblown. Let's take babywaring. The AP crowd quotes higher babywearing rates in more traditional societies, and equates this with more baby-friendly, better parenting. The idea that wearing a baby is somehow more natural and more moral is silly and also smacks of the noble savage. I can tell you here in Japan, babywearing is common, but so is leaving a baby crying in a bouncy chair until he falls asleep, no matter how long that takes.
I could go on - breastfeeding - though I still do it - is not the miracle awesome super cure for everything and there are FEW things that annoy me more than people freaking about formula ads. Because formula companies, are, obviously, the hight of evil, worse than weapons manufactures, war criminals, and global warming. Sheesh. ANyway...now what were you saying about rambling???
I would never be accepted into the AP club in the first place because I did not co-sleep and have more moderate views on baby/toddler sleep. BUT, I do/did practice many of the other tenets - breast-fed for over a year, responsive to cues/cries, did not spend much time apart in the early months (or first year, really).
For what it's worth, I would actually say I was more attached and better attuned the second time around. The first reason was purely logistical: I wore my baby constantly because I had a two year old to chase after. With the first I held her a lot at home and wore her as necessary out and about, but I wasn't really an intentional babywearer. With #2 he was in the Moby wrap for hours per day in the first few months just so I could function as a mom.
I also think I was more attuned to him just because I was more relaxed as a mom. I nursed more often because I was too tired to think about how many hours it had been since the last time (yes, I know you're not supposed to watch the clock anyway but my personality is super scheduled naturally and I couldn't help but at least observe our patterns and schedule the first time - the second time...too tired to care).
Finally (and this is pure circumstance with my own situation) I went from working outside the home 2 days a week the first time to being home full-time the second time...so no pumping, no bottles of pumped milk, no caregivers other than me, etc.
So...funny you should ask - I was CLOSER to being an AP parent with my second than with my first. (And I'm a bigtime baby-pusher so I say, unequivocally, GO FOR IT :) ).
So I have this sister, and she's in a very similar position to your own. And I have seen the crying phobia in action. Being completely ignorant of the effect that hearing your progeny squeal despondently can have on one's psyche, I chose not to judge.
Hey, a parent's gotta to do what she's gotta do.
I wonder if my sister will come to the same realization as you? I hate to be that person. You know, the person without kids who tells parents their behavior needs a mod.
But especially after reading this particular post, I feel even more sure that there's a certain amount of over-worrying that's happening when it comes to choosing the right style of parenting.
I mean, outside of the obvious throwing baby in a dumpster, just how vital is it that a kid be parented according to one method alone? Will the kid get an identity crisis if she's given the AP treatment from 0-1 and the DP (Detachment?) from 1-4?
I was a kid once, and if there's one thing I'm certain of, my parents DID NOT deploy the AP style.
And guess what? I still love them. I'm well-adjusted. I live on my own. I have formed loving relationships (granted, I dumpster dive...).
But that's another matter. I'm sure (I hope) Sear's isn't making any claims about the long-term effect that AP style or otherwise will have on a child't life.
My point, is 1) even if you choose to use one style of parenting, I'm pretty certain it's impossible to adhere to that style all the time anyways, meaning most of its followers are already a nice mix of different methods.
2) Parents worry too much about their kids. Trust me. If you're worrying about whether your kid is going to survive your style of parenting, you're probably well on your way to being a fantastic parent.
Kids need hugs and love. So why can't we just let them be hugged and loved? Why put a label on your actions that will ultimately give you equal parts anxiety and reassurance? I carried my kid around all day! Phew, I am a great AP parent so my kid will be awesome. Shit! my kid's crying and I haven't checked in on her yet! My kid's life is hell and I'm a terrible parent.
Is it just me, or isn't that kind of masochistically weird??
RAMBLE FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
One of the only parenting books you can get as the same text in Japanese and English is the Dr. Sears Baby Book and I think it's easy to see why, that really meshes with Japanese parenting styles. It's what people learn from their parents, and Dr. Sears just kind of gives it the okay. I was relieved to read The Baby Book, because other than the ridiculous vaccination information, it seemed like a confirmation that what I was doing was okay. My parents were horrified at co-sleeping, breastfeeding and cloth diapering, and so many of my friends from home who already had babies (so at younger ages than me) were kind of shocked too. After a visit there I felt like a failure as a parent, so reading Dr. Sears was a help.
I get the anti-feminist argument of AP, I do. It must seem horrible to some people to be with your baby all the time. It must seem like a huge burden for the mother.
But in my case, it was liberating. There are no babysitters around here so I'd have to be with my kid anyway until going back to work (which is not as fun as being with the baby for me). So I liked to make time with my kid easy. I used bottles with my son for a while when he had feeding issues, and popping a boob out is so much easier than getting up every two hours to set the kettle, disinfect previous bottles, hold crying child while trying to measure formula, etc. Co-sleeping (ie rolling over and popping out a boob) was so much easier than getting all the way up, walking down the hall, fumbling to crib, trying to lift baby up, and then feeding or walking etc. When baby gets to sleep, you can try to as well, but by then I'm usually bleary eyed but awake.
Of course this isn't going to work for everyone. Futons make co-sleeping super safe, and some people just can't sleep next to a baby, and some women can't breastfeed. But it worked for me. And when Baby#2 came along I slept in the middle of my two kids and got way more sleep than if I had to haul ass in the middle of the night to two different rooms. What the hell would you do when both babies cried? I could hug mine both at the same time. ;) And Baby #1 was old enough to help with Baby #2 so his presence calmed her. She likes him more than me, even now.
Anyway, the reason I like to call it "whatever works" is because sometimes it doesn't work anymore. For baby or mom. Or dad! So that's when it's time to renegotiate whatever the hell works" and get a new parenting theory which someone else will hate.
http://themommyhoodmemos.com/2010/08/dear-natural-birth-club/
Basically, I'm quitting dogma. I'm quitting propaganda. I'm quitting guilt.
One thing that I"m not sure about Japanese parenting practices - maybe you'd know. I feel like Japanese mums are more willing to let their kids cry than AP-type westerners are. I've had a few mothers suggest that maybe my kid needed to cry more, and other similar comments have given me this hunch...any ideas?
They do say to let your kid cry though. There is a saying in Japanese that kids who cry will become good singers. My MIL told me when #1 was still in the clinic to just let the baby cry but she was reaching for him at the same time...
What I like about Japan is if your baby is crying no one bats an eyelid. I know some people who hate to go out to restaurants because of this (and little kids who are allowed to run free!) but as a parent it's so nice not to feel judged. Sometimes old ladies will come over and lend a hand too, which I never saw in Canada. I really feel judged in Canada when my kids aren't behaved very well
I remember when #2 was 3 months old and #1 was 2.5 we had just left Vancouver airport after traveling for 23 hours and needed food bad. We were so lost and couldn't find even a Tim Horton's when we came across a Boston Pizza. I thought, great! Family-friendly restaurant! But my baby started to cry right when the food arrived and every single person in that restaurant turned to stare at us. I was mortified. That wouldn't happen here- in some places in Japan (or at least the rural part where I live!) the staff will offer to walk the baby so I can eat! I was ready to get back on the plane.
Okay, this was long and seriously tangented. Anyway, I totally agree that people say let your baby cry. But I'm not sure they practice that!
Anyway, back to my original point...I do think that there are certain features of baby rearing that are different in Japan (the crying, for example), but I don't think that different is bad. I feel strongly that childcare practices are ultimately dictated by the culture to which one subscribes, be that the national culture, or sub-cultures (i.e. AP culture vs. CIO culture). As long as children are loved, their needs met, there's no sense moralizing about the minutia.
Sort of
I refuse to accept that I'm an AP parent. I really (mostly) can't stand Dr Sears, I'm not into delayed vaccinations, blah blah blah. BUT...I co-sleep, I baby-wear, I blah blah blah. I'm more of an AP parent than I care to admit publicly. A closeted AP parent, if you will.
So, with E, once she was finally out of the hospital, it was easy to parent as I wished.
With Rhiannon, there's this OLDER KID who...like...WANTS STUFF while I'm trying to breastfeed/co-sleep/whatever. And sometimes I'm doing something critical for E (changing a diaper, middle of making lunch) when Rhi starts to cry.
I'm still managing the stuff I really care about...breast feeding is working out this time, baby wearing, kangaroo care, co-sleeping. But both girls sometimes have to chill the fuck out and wait their turn for Mommy. Because occasionally...like once every three days...I need to pee, and I'm not stopping in the middle to (fill in the blank).
I came from a different angle. I had to go into post-Babywise recovery. I don't know how much you have read on my blog, but I was pretty traumatized by trying to follow BW for my oldest. Sears and AP rescued me from hating motherhood. I literally cried every day when I woke up while I was trying to practice BW. It was that exhausting for me.
So much of depends on baby's personality, and I think birth order plays a role, too. Dacey (oldest) NEVER played well on her own as a toddler. Now she can get lost in her own dreamy world of make believe for hours. Literally.
I found AP to be easier with the second, but I guess because I find AP to be a frame of mind rather than a set of practices. Babywearing helped IMMENSELY with our second. It allowed me to continue Dacey's regular routines and activities and AJ just came along for the ride. I can't imagine doing BW with a second because you have to be at home for naps, etc. That would have never worked for us.
AP is about more than not letting baby cry or about avoiding CIO. It's about understanding the science of attachment and the power of connection.
Having said that, if you feel like it's time to practice some sleep training, I would say it's much MUCH different to do so with a 14 month old than a 2 month old. Brain development is so different and you already have an attached relationship with Stella.
If AP is making you angry and resentful, then it's not working and it is totally okay to leave that on the shelf and do what works best for you. (Not that you need my permission or anything. Hee.) But I just want to reassure you that everything - every single thing - was easier with our second than with our first. There's something to be said for the confidence of experience. You listen to your instinct more and I'll bet you don't even pick up a single baby book. (says the woman in the midst of writing a baby book.)